Continuing the conversation

Denise's comment from yesterday's post jolted something in my brain, and I'd like to thank her for it.

If you're in recovery, you've probably already heard this, discussed this, felt this, learned this, accepted this:

The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear – primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.

12&12, p. 76, Step Seven

If you're not in recovery, it's worth thinking about.

Everything I wrote yesterday could have been summed up by simply stating I was afraid to be alone. I guess the deeper lesson I learned from my female forebears is that no matter how bad it is, it's better to be with someone than to be by yourself, to be dependent instead of independent.

So. Not. True.

But … it took me four husbands and 60 years to figure it out. I started figuring it out 20 years ago when I ditched the last husband. I was single for several years before I began dating my current husband. We didn't marry until five years ago, although we'd lived together for a decade prior to the wedding.

We've had many ups and downs, as most couples do, both before and after making it legal. In all those downs, I was the one who was ready to leave. I have no place to go. I have no job. I have no resources. I'd be up a creek without a paddle if I had to figure it out all over again, especially at my age and in this economy. But I was never afraid to try.

And, while I'm not going anywhere and we're very happy together (and we tell each other we are almost daily), I would still tackle a life alone without fear.

I have AA to thank for that, and Denise to thank for reminding me of it.