Today? Maybe.

I've spent the past week being a lollygagger.

That may not be exactly what's going on, but the result is the same. You can't hit the ball if you don't swing at it.

To be fair, I've had a lot of pain and I'm sure you're as tired of reading about it as I am of writing about it. Or feeling it, for that matter. I would make an appointment if it were sharp, of sudden onset, or if it were truly debilitating.

I just hate seeing the doctor with a vague complaint that isn't any of those things. It's only annoying.

The harder thing this week has been an utter lack of energy and motivation. Am I depressed? Possibly, although I would have to call it endogenous, as there's no external reason AT ALL for me to be down in the dumps. I will be scheduling lab work next month, including thyroid tests, to make sure there's no physical reason for this fatigue. (I've just got too much going on this month to take the time. You know, it's hard work playing Dots and Scrabble on your phone with your leg elevated all afternoon! I'm busy, people, BUSY!)

Today I will make a list. A long to-do list It might be overwhelming to look at, but I know the reward of crossing things off will outweigh any potential dismay. I will put easy things on it – laundry, for instance, which pretty much does itself (thank the goddess I'm not Amish) – and I will put difficult and long-term things on it, too – that PowerPoint project, for instance.

In other news, Lucky updated his journal again. If you follow me on Instagram, you saw a photo last week of some pink honeysuckle growing on our road. Well, he found some, too, on his last day hiking through Pennsylvania. If you Google for images of it, you'll see it's a real thing, but this is the first year I've seen it growing here. (I've been here for 18 years.)

He doesn't describe or write about it, but he'd previously mentioned that he'd "outwalked spring," because he'd stopped seeing wildflowers. So I guess spring is catching up with him.

Maybe my good mood will catch up with me today. I certainly hope so. Lollygagging is for … lollygaggers.

Taking a zero

Thru-hikers on the Appalachian Trail call it "taking a zero" when they take a day off. They don't make any progress on a day when they kick back at a hostel or a friend's place or a hotel to rest, recharge and get some laundry done.

ZILCH. 0. ZERO.

I took a zero yesterday from mileage and steps, and spent most of the afternoon resting. My sinuses are killing me, my hip needed the rest, and the rest of my body apparently did, as well. I napped. I read. I played games on my phone.

What I didn't do was mow. Or pull weeds. Or dig up the garden. Or cook (thank goodness for leftovers). Or paint.

Yesterday would have been a perfect day to paint. But I need to be in the right mood for it, and my energy level is just plain empty. I need to …

rest.

recharge.

And do laundry? Nah, it can wait. Heh.

Because I just might take another zero today. Or I might not. Right now that's the direction I'm leaning toward, but the grass just keeps on growing, and we're in for a few days of rain here.

I wish I felt GOOD again. I just feel blah and worn out and tired, tired, tired.

This, too … I hope! … will pass. Sooner rather than later.

Nothing to worry about, right?

Friday the 13th.

Full moon.

Nothing could possibly go wrong.

In fact, if the skies are clear this evening, the rising moon could be a spectacular sight. Yet another opportunity for me to wish I'd bought a long lens for the DSLR camera. But those times are rare, and others are much better photographers than I.

I remember one time I wanted to get a shot of a super moon rising over the Appalachian Mountains, which I can see from my back porch. I thought driving to a nearby church cemetery on a hilltop would give me a better view of it, but when I got there it was nowhere to be found in the sky. I'd seen it from the back yard, but less than half a mile away the angle from the hilltop provided no view of it at all.

Weird. Anyway, I'll be checking the sky tonight and hoping to get a glimpses of the Honey Moon. A full moon on Friday the 13th won't happen again in my lifetime unless I live to be 98. I guess that's possible, but as far as I know no one in my family has lived that long, so I'm not counting on it.

I've been feeling … not quite right, lately. My unease is a combination of physical and emotional symptoms including odd and irritating rashes, headaches and crushing fatigue.

If I don't get something done in the morning, for example, when my energy level is at its highest, it doesn't get done. Like dinner. Forget dinner. Last night I told my husband how to cook sausage links on the George Foreman grill. (He is definitely domestically challenged.) I ate a bowl of watermelon, which I'd cut up earlier in the day.

Thank the goddess, or I would have gone to bed without any supper at all.

As it was, I watched the 6:30 p.m. headlines and was in bed and asleep by 7. I woke up at 6:30 this morning. I'm physically ready to get some things done, but the emotional part of me says it can wait until later.

Malaise. Fatigue. Depression? Maybe. I've nothing to be depressed about, but that's not stopped me before. Endogenous depression (diagnosed by my doctor) has plagued me at various times in my life, but only once have I taken medication for it. And even then, I didn't take it for very long. It made me feel … flat. In the end, the downs were worth it, because I also had ups. On medicine, I had neither.

As I told a friend recently, my motto used to be, "If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space." I don't live by that credo any longer, but I do like a little excitement now and then. It can be as simple as noticing the green beans are coming up in the garden (they are!), or as thrilling as watching a full moon rising.

On Friday the 13th.

As of this minute …

I have about six and a half hours before I need to be at work. We switched things up today, and I'm taking the afternoon shift. One of my co-workers was badly burned over the weekend and is still hospitalized, which means we're all pitching in a little more in different ways. I'll find out the extent of his injuries today.

Yesterday went well, until mid-afternoon, when my energy just completely ran out. I walked a little more than four miles with my husband early in the morning, then came back and tackled the garden from 9:30 until 2 p.m.

Of course not everything got done. My husband hauled mulch from the big pile on the other side of the yard, while I laid down cardboard around the rows and plants. I then piled the mulch on the cardboard in a (probably) futile attempt to keep the weeds at bay.

But by 2 o'clock I was, literally, spent. I collapsed in the grass next to the garden and ordered him to get me some WATER. Hungry, tired, dehydrated: I thought I was going to pass out. I made it back to the house, thinking I still had time to at least mow the front yard, but I ended up resting for a couple of hours.

Which was probably what I needed. My ambition exceeds my energy, and I need to remind myself that I am 62, after all, and I must learn to pace myself.

Next year's garden is going to be much smaller. Significantly smaller. Like, less than half what it is now. We're reclaiming the rest of it for lawn and I'm just going to have to be satisfied with less homegrown food.

And less work.

I think the latter will make up for the former.

P.S. I've updated yesterday's curry recipe to include servings. I usually eat a third of this for a serving, and my husband will eat the rest. If it were a published-in-a-magazine-or-on-the-web recipe, it would serve four.

And on the seventh day …

she crashed.

I don't know what happened yesterday around here. It was a grey and chilly day, but that hasn't stopped me before. I simply could not put one foot in front of the other to do any kind of walk or elliptical workout. I was fatigued beyond belief. I managed to throw together a pot of vegetable beef soup before I took a nap, and right after we ate it (well a couple hours later) I went to sleep. In the past 24 hours I've been asleep for 15 of them.

Good thing I'm flexible. Today's my rest day, but I'll get out and walk anyway and count yesterday as the day off. (I'm feeling quite normal, as if I've had a good night's sleep. WHICH I HAVE!)

Calories were well below normal all last week. See? (Pay no attention to Tuesday! I forgot to eat lunch and it was New Year's Day and I thought I'd be eating enough football-watching snacks to make up for it. But I didn't.)

Flexibility will definitely pay off this week, as I will be traveling beginning on Thursday. Being away from home always, always, always screws up my food-and-exercise plan. Not the exercise so much as the food. I just think when I'm not at home I can go crazy, and you know what? I CAN'T!

It will be easy to get the daily walking done. I'll probably skip the yoga and weight-training sessions on Friday and Saturday. Most of all, I'm going to enjoy visiting with my daughter and her family, who I didn't get to see during the holidays.

As I look back over what I've written, it appears that this 'diet' or 'plan' or 'whatever you want to call it' could be construed as a roadblock to having a good time. I prefer to look at it as a bridge. And I will be dancing across that bridge all the way, to the end of my days. Eating reasonable portions of healthful food and moving my aging body will never be a reason to sit in a corner and wish life were different.

The reason I'm back in the saddle again is me. Just as the reason I need to be back in the saddle again is me. I'm trying not to think about all the times I've been back in the saddle and not seen results. I'm sticking my fingers in my ears and babbling "lalalalalala." I'm seeing the miles add up and the calories stay within limits and counting those as results.

But I saved a couple pairs of too-small jeans when I cleaned out the closet. Just in case.

If I only had …

The characters in The Wizard of Oz knew their limitations and got just what they needed when they entered the Emerald City: courage, a brain, a heart.

All of the situations, issues and problems which are nearly crushing me these days would be less crushing if only I had more energy. I'm beginning to wonder if there's some kind of deficiency going on beneath the surface. 

I spent most of yesterday recovering from the previous day's eight-hour drive and visit with the youngest grandchildren. It shouldn't take a day to do that. It was such a beautiful day, the perfect day for pulling a few weeds, taking a walk, just being outdoors.

I'll give myself a little credit for laundering the bed linens. It was warm and sunny so I put the sheets out on the clothesline to dry. Boy, did I ever appreciate that extra effort when I went to sleep last night! The only other "work" I did yesterday was cutting back the dead asparagus fronds and frying eggs for my husband's dinner. I wasn't hungry enough to eat (which, in and of itself, is kinda weird, because normally I don't even need to be hungry to eat).

So what did I do to fill up the 23 hours of March 11, 2012? Called my sister to wish her a happy birthday. Called two other friends and left messages. Wrote a couple of e-mails, took a couple of pictures, made a couple pots of coffee. And sat on my ass playing computer solitaire.

Because when life gets to be too hard, too much, too draining, solitaire has always come to my rescue. If there are cards (or computers) in the Emerald City, I'm booking a trip.