Fifteen days ago, my husband and I read his pathology report, which informed us he had a rare, malignant neuroendocrine esophageal tumor. Since that time we've been coordinating a variety of tests and appointments with multiple hospitals, clinics, and medical professionals. It's been a roller coaster.

We're going for a cure, although that isn't likely. And that makes me incredibly, profoundly sad.

In all honesty, he can be extremely irritating at times. He's repetitive. Somewhat controlling. Wants what he wants when he wants it. 

Sometimes looking at him is like looking in a mirror. HAH!

But as irritating as he can be, the thought of living without him makes me … sad. Just … sad.

We spent yesterday afternoon in Princeton, WV, where he had a PET scan that will show how large the tumor is, its precise location, and whether it's metastasized. The tumor was found during a routine endoscopy, something he needs to have done regularly since he had a different esophageal cancer (CURED!) in 2019. 

I never thought we'd be doing this again.

While he was in radiology (a PET scan takes a couple of hours) I went to a nearby Wendy's to write some thank-you cards to WV Can't Wait donors. And since I was in Wendy's, and since I hadn't eaten since 7:30 am, and since I was feeling sad, I ordered a small chocolate Frosty. (The clerk asked me what flavor and I said, "Chocolate. Is there any other flavor?" Which was meant to be funny but he took me seriously and answered, "We have vanilla." His female co-worker laughed; she knew exactly what I meant!)

Before I go further, I need to say that when Mike got sick in 2019, I was a WW member and had lost 25 pounds, with about that much more to go. I stalled out and eventually gained back 15 of those pounds. I've not been able to lose it. We had a few months of relative normal when Covid hit, and while I didn't gain any more weight during quarantine, I sure didn't lose any. And still haven't.

A month or so ago, I renewed my commitment to WW. It's been difficult getting back on that horse, and the past two weeks I haven't even tried. But I wrote a little post on Connect (WW's social media outlet) and promised to write about my feelings instead of (or, occasionally, in addition to) eating them.

So that's what No More Running will be about for now. My husband's treatments will last all summer, and that's if he's able to start chemo within the next couple of weeks. Surgery may be an option; if so, that will happen first. I expect we'll be having surgical consults at WVU next week.

But today … nothing is on the schedule except laundry, a lovely long walk, and dinner with friends. I don't know if anyone will find this. If you do … thank you for reading.