Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Out of balance

I was driving home last night from the AA meeting at the prison. The meeting was well-attended and the discussion was insightful and positive.

As I rounded a curve next to a steep drop-off, I saw my car veering off the road, tumbling down the hill and coming to rest on the train tracks below.

Obviously, it didn't happen or I wouldn't be here telling you about it this morning.

That's not all, though. I hit a nice, even straight stretch of road and visualized a deer bolting in front of the car. That's actually happened before, but I was able to avoid direct contact. The deer grazed off the front passenger side, leaving a few tufts of fur behind to remind me that night driving in West Virginia can be hazardous to a deer's health.

There are things going on I can't write about. No one in my family knows about this blog, but it could be discovered and I wouldn't want any of them to read about what's making me want to drop off the edge of a mountain. My husband has his own stuff going on. Life is wacky and crazy. I'm being pulled in a dozen directions and at the same time feeling like it just wouldn't matter if I just wasn't here.

And sometimes I really wish I wasn't.

Wow, this is really a downer of a post, isn't it? On the bright side, there's sun and warm temperatures and I managed to fill a wheelbarrow with weeds from the front landscape bed yesterday. And there's a few more stalks of asparagus reaching for the sky.

And on the other bright side, I know things could be much worse. I need to find my attitude of gratitude and move on.


E. Jane said...

Hi Debbie,

My family also does not know that I write my blog. There are certain family members that would use it for their own purposes. And then there are others that I don't want to burden with my feelings.

It's hard to go it alone, and of course the blog helps, but in your post, I detect a sense of hopelessness that has you thinking it would be better not to be here. Maybe it's time for you to see someone who can share some of your burden and help you.

Being overweight is a huge issue, especially for those of us who have struggled for so long to achieve a normal weight. We get tired. But I also sense that there's more going on for you. Sometimes help can make all the difference.

Diandra said...

This kind of feeling cannot simply be tossed aside. We need to work through them, one way or the other. For some this means professional support, others turn to spiritual practices or self-help books. Whichever way works. I've been there, I've seen what was to come, and I am still here. Wouldn't want to miss a single moment.

Anna said...

I'm so sorry things are tough!

I can't help with the real issues, but I thought I'd share a weird technique that worked for me with the negative thoughts. I used to have random negative thoughts just like that. My husband might be 15 minutes late coming home, and this scenario would run through my head where my (40 year old!) husband had a heart attack while driving, veered into oncoming traffic, and the car exploded.

So I decided that for every random, crazy, negative thought I had, I had to come up with a positive thought just as random and crazy. For example, in your scenario of the car tumbling over the edge, I might have envisioned the car sprouting wings and starting to fly, not just back onto the road, but getting me to my destination in seconds.

I know it sounds silly, but that's the whole point. The effort helped me see that my random negative thoughts mostly *were* silly. Yes, it's possible that something terrible had happened or was going to happen, but it was much more likely it wouldn't. After a few months, changing my negative thoughts seemed to throw a switch in my head and just make me a happier person!

gingerzingi said...

That's some serious stress there. I have an issue with obsessive rumination when I'm under too much pressure. It's so counter-productive! Just when things are bad, some stupid ass behavior like that comes along to add to the burden.

I hope everything turns out as well as possible for all concerned. Shoot me an email if you want - it may help to vent.

I like Anna's idea, that sounds very effective.